If you look up the definition of hurting on dictionary.com, you will see the simple but straight to the point term defined as “To feel or suffer bodily or mental pain or distress.” Pain is something we all have to face on multiple occasions in our life. Rather if it’s physical or emotional, our brain has the same neurological response to pain. Truth is nobody likes to be hurt at any point of their life, and there are numerous ways we are vulnerable to getting hurt and receiving the pain that comes with it. However, I really want to focus on the specific area of where a lot of us find ourselves the most hurt, and that’s the relationships and interactions we encounter in our everyday life.
How many of us today are not in a good place based on certain relationships that we have had over a span in our lifetime? This could span from relationships with people in our family, close friendships, ex romantic partners, spouses, and other types of close bonds that we actually have the privilege to be a part of. We were all created to desire bonding with others and crave intimacy, it is a blessing that God truly gives us. However, there’s always the risk that we end up getting hurt. Has someone’s actions, words, or behavior caused you to feel abused, rejected, or betrayed? We have all been through painful relationships, and have felt the impact of someone’s decisions that have caused us to feel angry leading us into unforgiveness. As common as this may be, one thing has to be addressed.
Everyone who falls into the trap of unforgiveness drowning in their own sorrows all have one thing in common. They subconsciously believe that they are living a life in defeat based on the painful circumstances that occurred at some point in their life. This is a deceptive lie the enemy has used to keep so many people bound in the chains of unforgiveness. We were all created to a life of freedom and victory through Jesus Christ, and choosing to go through a journey of forgiveness is a journey that is worth taking a step towards. In this post we are going to go over 4 huge reminders to take note of when it comes to forgiving the people who have hurt us and 3 important steps to take making you one step closer to forgiveness and true freedom
1. Our Biggest Downfalls Lead to our Greatest Victories.
“You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.” Genesis 50:20 NIV
One of my all time favorite characters followed in the bible is the story of Joseph. In the beginning we learn about the purpose God gives Joseph through his dreams in Genesis 37. However, Joseph having favor from his father Jacob and from God almighty probably didn’t put him in the right sense of maturity. The fact he went and bragged to all of his brothers about how all their grains were bowing down to his grains, made his brothers more resentful towards him and that’s when the downfall really began.
The rest of the story is sad, leading to Joseph taking blow after blow from various traumatic events in his life. Starting from his brothers selling him as a slave, to being framed by pottifers wife who wrongly seduced him, being locked in a dungen for two years, and forgotten by the cupbearer who made a false promise. These can be some unbearable events we read in the story yet so relatable to us. Like Joseph, we have a purpose envisioned for our life but how often has that been stopped based on unexpected actions from someone else. This results in identifying ourselves as slaves by the tragic betrayals, manipulating tactics, disappointing failed expectations, and other actions done by someone else that leaves us in our own dungen of hurt.
The good news from this is what if God allows all of this to happen to grow us into places of growth we never even dreamed of? Joseph yes, went through all of those terrible trials and I’m sure he felt the pain and weight from all of it. However, one thing is for certain he never let go of the vision God placed in him, eventually leading him to becoming a great leader in Egypt. Our downfalls in life are only the beginning to the most victorious stories written by God to inspire others to freedom. Just like in Genesis 50:20 when Joseph tells his brothers “God intended it for good.”
2.Trust in God’s Redemption.
“ For I am the least of the apostles and do not even deserve to be called an apostle, because I persecuted the church of God..” 1 Corinthians 15:9 NIV
The apostle Paul who is the author of 13 books in the bible and was known to live a fearless life for the gospel. We have to remember before he lived out that purpose he was once known as Saul, and had a destructive past when it came to other believers in the early church. In Acts 8 the bible states that Saul approved of the death of Stephen who was ministering the gospel in the temple to a bunch of enraged religious leaders. Once Saul got a taste of vengeance he never looked back when it came to attacking anyone who proclaimed the name of Jesus. Then suddenly in chapter 9 while Saul was going to kidnap more believers he had his sudden encounter with Jesus Christ himself. Leading into Ananias comforting and baptizing a stunned and temporarily blind Saul even though Ananias was very skeptical.
Let’s stop and think about this whole entire story for a moment. Someone creates a movement against christianity and against the kingdom of God. The first reaction anyone human would have is to run or fight back. This is exactly where we find ourselves a lot in our modern day. The people we encounter close or distant can have a negative impact on the journey we are going through in our everyday life. When we are victims of extreme abuse how can we not feel the emotions any human would have? What if God had a plan for all of that turmoil however? What if God was doing something behind the scenes of our traumatic story that we couldn’t see.
The first challenge all early believers faced after Christ, was a man who was dictating against christians and came with strong forms of abuse. However, all of Saul’s sins against the church, if you really look at it, was a divine plan from God the whole time. Turning a man from a persecutor to an apostle shows the redeeming power God can bring to any situation where grace and forgiveness meet. The mistakes that we make against one another were never intended to be defined by the mistake but by the power of God’s divine redemption!
3. You Are Worth More Than an Apology.
“Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.” – Jesus
What is the one thing that goes through your mind over and over again that you are so desperately looking for when you’re hurt? There could be various words or thoughts that come to mind, but it all stems down to one word “Justice.” That’s right, it’s very common to feel like something is owed to us when our feelings are hurt. What is it we are looking for to make us feel a tiny piece of justice? A simple “I’m sorry” or some form of an apology from the person should solve everything in the midst of your unforgiveness right? Wrong!
I am in no way saying a person shouldn’t apologize for their hurtful actions, but the truth is some people today don’t feel obligated to own up and apologize. Again we find ourselves stuck in our anger and bitterness because of another failed expectation we set on the person. The right question that needs to be asked is are apologies the firm foundation Jesus set for forgiveness? The answer is no, the foundation of forgiveness starts with our decisions and not other person’s decisions. It is very clear the foundation of salvation came from Jesus’ decision to forgive on the cross and not from the repentance of mankind. John Bevere said it best on one of his podcast episodes “Jesus chose to forgive us for our sins before we even said we were sorry.”
In Luke 23:34, Jesus was stripped naked hanging on a wooden cross for 3 straight hours hearing crowds of people mocking him as he was fervently suffering. Imagine having a group of religious leaders, roman soldiers, and overall a large crowd of people rioting and making any kind of destruction to plan your own execution. Jesus’ sacrifice not only required him to die but to take up the humiliation and rejection that all of mankind to this day causes. I am positive that no human soul that day had any intention of making an apology to Jesus while he was in intense pain, and yet he looked up to the father and said “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.”
4. Revenge Rottens Your Soul.
“Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord.” Romans 12:19 NIV
Picture this, imagine someone comes to you with a large razor sharp knife and stabs you in the torso causing a huge gash. You are losing a lot of blood fast and the knife is right in front of you as the person is walking away. The human side of us would want to take that knife from behind and stab that person that caused us pain right back. You probably have created a wound on that person but let’s be practical: Did that heal the wound you have on your torso? Did that make the physical pain go away? If you’re losing a lot of blood does stabbing the other person just magically make the bleeding stop and give you your strength back?
This is a crazy reality check right? As crazy as it sounds it’s how a lot of us approach unforgiveness. We just want pure vengeance on the person in numerous ways. Rather if it’s causing others to go against the person, harassing them, or anything that will bring them pain as well just because we believe a terrible lie the enemy deceives so many with. There’s that old saying unforgiveness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die, but to extend the phrase we want the other person to pay because we think it’s the only way to victory from the defeat that we are feeling.
Revenge just makes your pain 10 times worse than what it already is now. Deep down we do not have a right to determine someone’s fate by the sin they committed against us. However, God almighty who is the almighty judge is not only a God of love but a God of Justice. Ask yourselves this question: Did any of us die for 7.8 billion people? Of course not but let’s be real here Jesus not only died to save us for our sins but for the authority over our sins. If he has a say in what is done for the sin that is committed doesn’t it already belong to him? So therefore, you making a choice to forgive this person and giving this sin to God is simply making an even trade with him. You surrender to God the hurt and pain that is eating you up everyday and he will give you peace, love, and ultimately the victory that you so desperately needed.
So with all of these statements made when forgiveness is what you are struggling with. You may ask what are the steps I need to take to help me forgive a person I’m angry at?
1.Take Responsibility For Yourself.
Taking responsibility for yourself is not minimizing your feelings, excusing the person’s actions, reconciling an abusive relationship, or anything that will just leave you feeling stuck, confused and just end up hurt again. Taking responsibility are various small steps taken to bring you out of your toxic routine and into your journey of healing. Taking responsibility can look like:
- Making the Decision: Every big journey has a small beginning, and yes forgiveness starts with the foundation of making a decision to forgive. It may not feel right in the moment and you may still feel angry, but remember you are setting the foundation of freedom. Start by saying it out loud “ I forgive _______”.
- Setting Boundaries: Recognizing the triggers of our emotions need to be taken seriously and choosing to set boundaries is always necessary. Some people may not support your choices of boundaries and that’s okay. If that leads you into minimizing contact, choosing to not attend certain events, or blocking on social media. Setting boundaries is breaking off an old routine and setting a new one.
- Cut off contact: There are times where having to remove someone from your social circle is a necessary step to take. As much as that can be up for debate, choosing to repeatedly manage a toxic relationship may just keep you stuck in disappointment and prevent you and the other person from growing. If this person is not willing to take any responsibility for themselves doesn’t mean you don’t have to.
- Find the right support system: One huge disservice we can do to ourselves when we are hurting is isolation. A huge step to find inner healing is surrounding yourself with a healthy community. This could be making new friends, connecting with people in your church, attending bible self-help groups, seeing a counselor, or connecting with people who you can share your feelings with. You want to surround yourself with people who will point you in the right direction of forgiveness.
- Self-Reflection: This is probably the one most don’t want to hear, but self-reflection is a mindset that will take you into a step of humility. Yes we were hurt and crushed by someone, but sometimes we have to determine were we perfect during that time? Taking responsibility for our actions is what God holds us accountable for, not the other person. Choosing to take account for mistakes you have made is an act of self-care, and that can start by journaling over everything in your life.
Remember “For those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted.” Matthew 23:12 NIV
2. Stop playing the Victim and start playing the Survivor.
“You are not a victim. No matter what you have been through, you’re still here. You may have been challenged, hurt, betrayed, beaten, and discouraged, but nothing has defeated you. You are still here! You have been delayed but not denied. You are not a victim, you are a victor. You have a history of victory”. -Dr Steve Maraboli
Being the victim in a hurtful situation can be valid, but choosing to live as a victim is where freedom can be delayed. We were not created to be born as victims of our own sorrows, but to be survivors of what the devil meant for evil. Playing the role as the victim leaves everyone feeling stuck and trapped, however it’s a title that feels good to hang on to. As mentioned before, taking responsibility for yourself not only changes your routine but also changes your mindset on how you view things.
One story in particular that has greatly inspired me is the story of Barrie Gilbert, a field biologist. In 1977, while he was on a conservation trip studying the behavior of brown bears in Yellowstone National Park the unexpected happened. Him and a conservation partner of his were following a group of brown bears in a certain area when out of nowhere Barrie found himself face to face with a mother bear protecting her cubs. Mr. Gilbert was viciously mauled to a point where the bear nearly tore off his entire face. Luckily the bear backed off and Barrie was able to get the help from park rangers that saved his life.
What’s amazing about the story is when park rangers were making the attempt to track down that mother bear and kill it, Barrie pleaded with them not to. Keep in mind, Barrie Gilbert went through hours of reconstructive surgery losing his right eye. However, today this field biologist now has a conservation plan to protect the endangered species of Bears and is now the author of the novel “One of us.” He stated this mother bear was simply protecting her cubs as any mother bear should do. You may say well this was a wild animal that caused this, and that is true however in this story something came and changed Barrie’s life for good. There is always a choice still when we are victims of traumatic events, we can choose to live as victims living defeated or know that we survived this trial and God made our pain into purpose.
3.Trust and Embrace the Process.
“But everything should be done in a fitting and orderly way.” 1 Corinthians 14:40 NIV
The analogy surprisingly used a lot in the bible is the topic of fitness. From 1 Timothy 2:5, 2 Timothy 4:7, or one of my favorite verses 1 Corinthians 9:25 NIV “Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last, but we do it to get a crown that will last forever.” Paul understood the way God functions in the daily walk of salvation. In this life we are running a spiritual race and each person always has an end goal in mind. We want to be blessed, free, redeemed, and just have all of the good results with little to no work done, but we have to be practical here. A person who realizes they need to start working out doesn’t just walk into a gym and magically become Arnold Schwarzenegger or Linda Hamilton. Every journey takes determination, commitment, and patience.
Forgiveness is a fitness journey within itself and like any workout plan there has to be a daily commitment in the process. You may ask how do I exercise forgiveness? In Matthew 5:44 when Jesus talks about praying for the people who persecute you and loving your enemies he knew deep down almost every human being would be hesitant on praying for people they are bitter towards. However, Jesus knew that when we pray for people who are not on our good side it changes the structure of our mindset from toxic to healthy. When a man first goes to the gym and does bench press, in the beginning he will struggle with the weight and feel pain from the reps. However, if he embraces that pain and is determined to overcome that weight of the bar. Over time that pain will just make him stronger. What was once too heavy for him to lift is now manageable based on the strength he’s already gained.
My Final statement to you is embrace the heavy weights holding you down today. I know it’s painful and I know you may say “but you don’t know what they have done.” You deserve to be stronger than that however, and what happened to you wasn’t ok. Start your journey of forgiveness today by praying for the person who deeply hurt you. You can do more exercise than that by staying devoted to the word, listening to podcasts, speaking with wise counsel (remember everybody could use a fitness trainer), read books about forgiveness my personal two favorite are “Forgiving what you can’t forget” by Lysa TerKeurst and “The Bait of Satan” by John Bevere. You may still feel the pain but remember this is only making you stronger and one step closer to the freedom you truly deserve.
Closing Prayer
“Father God I come before you today, hurt and badly beaten. With all of my hurt and shame I am choosing to forgive ______. What happened was painful but lord you are here to fight my battles. Give me the strength today to forgive _____ walk with me every step of the way. Forgive me for the sins i’ve committed against you, as I forgive _____. With your blood I am redeemed and chosen, your love is more than enough for me. I give you all the praise and Glory In Jesus name Amen.”
