6 signs you are struggling with unforgiveness.
“And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.”
-Mark 11:25 NIV
Do you know the worst feeling anyone can have? Going through a daily routine, everything seems to be going great, then suddenly, that one trigger event occurs. It could be that song that came up on the radio; someone says something subconsciously, you see a post on social media, or even more notable, you know the person in a public environment that reminds you of all those triggering events. Then you become filled with troubling emotions, sad and angry. It’s a sense of hopelessness, which then becomes destructive, taking over your entire day. Why are you having these emotions after encountering this person or reminders about them?
The possible reason is apparent: you remember something about them that wasn’t pleasant in your past. The list goes on and on, the insult, the embarrassment, the humiliation, the betrayal, the unexpected secret that came out, or the abusive relationship. I’m sure it weighs heavy on you, daily reliving those traumatic memories about them in your head. A part of you also questions why the hurt they caused you even occurred in the first place. Am I sure this is relatable, right? We all have gone through moments of feeling emotional pain from the people in our past, even though we may have a valid reason to be upset. We need to realize that these feelings do us more harm than good.
That raises the question: Are the intense emotions you are battling a reflection of holding unforgiveness? How do you know if you are holding an unforgiveness towards someone, and can you subconsciously live in unforgiveness and not realize it? Today’s blog post will review some common symptoms most people have when living in bitterness.
1. Strong Response about the Person.
How do you respond when a person’s name is mentioned, and you know you’re not on good terms with them? Do you become angry when you see others treat someone you’re bitter toward with respect? Do you cringe when you see this person walk past you, and all you can think about is how bad they hurt you? It’s human to be angry at someone who did us wrong, but a clear sign you are holding unforgiveness is the response you have when they are mentioned. Some experiences with people can be so traumatizing that even the thought of them is too overwhelming to handle.
When we are hurt, we develop a case; part of that case is identifying the person who caused the hurt. If we’ve been through abuse, we’ll remember them as our abusers; if you were backstabbed, you recognize them as your betrayer. Though it is normal to get upset when you see or hear the person you are angry at, we have to be practical and know it’s not ok to be a slave to someone’s mistakes. Like any other sinful pattern, unforgiveness can become an addiction and leave you feeling stuck (John 8:34). It can be clear to identify if you are struggling with unforgiveness towards someone just by how you react emotionally towards them.
2. Constantly Talking About Them.
I agree that one healthy action to do sometimes is to vent and talk about your feelings, but how you vent and talk about your feelings determines if it’s healthy or not. As I mentioned in the last point, we have a case when someone hurts us, and what happens when a case is formed? In a criminal court case, we have a prosecutor and a defender when someone is on trial for a crime they committed. The prosecution attorney’s job is to plead a lawsuit against the defendant, proving to the jury that they are guilty of the crime. On the other hand, the defense attorney is to show their client’s offense differently to the jury showing their crimes are justifiable.
How often are you the prosecutor of someone else’s sins committed against you? Clear identification of unforgiveness is when you feel the need to vent about someone and talk about the things they did to convince others who they are. A sense of validation comes over you when others begin not to like the person, but what happens when maybe one person doesn’t see it the same way? Ten to a hundred people in your social circle can dislike the person because of what happened, but maybe one person who decides to side with them or chooses not to get involved can set you off and make your validation suddenly not enough.
To determine if you’re bitter towards someone, look at how you’re talking about them. Can you get one sentence out without saying something negative when you talk about them? When their hurtful actions are brought up, do you speak about it as if they happened yesterday? The experience of hurt is overwhelming, and that’s understandable, but the more you plead your case against someone, the more damage you are doing to yourself instead of the other person. When you need to vent about what happened, try speaking to someone who can understand how you are feeling and help you overcome your need for validation. Someone with tremendous wisdom can help you move forward instead of back into bitterness.
3. Overthinking!
Our mind is a battlefield that takes place from all our thoughts daily. According to Heathline.com a study done in 2020 showed that the human brain
“typically has more than 6,000 thoughts per day.”
Written by Crystal Raypole https://www.healthline.com/health/how-many-thoughts-per-day.
Studies have also shown that most brain experiments show the results of people more drawn to negative thoughts than positive ones. It is pretty interesting if you think about it, but also accurate. Using a good example, let’s say you get on Instagram and browse through IG stories and see one of your closest friends having a party at their house. I’m sure the initial reaction will be the standard way to react: “Why was I not invited?” Then your brain goes into a crazy roller coaster ride going up and then tumbling into a snowball effect. Thoughts like….
- “Why wasn’t I told about this?”,
- “Did I do something wrong?”
- “Are they mad at me?”
- “I bet they purposely didn’t invite me!”
- “I’m sure they are talking behind my back.”
- “I never liked these friends; I always knew they were fake.”
- “I am not fun enough to hang out.”
- “I am not texting them back; I’m going to let them know I’m upset about what they did.”
The list goes on and on, and before you know it, your brain is now on the brink of entertaining anger/bitterness. This is what I like to call the simple term overthinking. Why do we get like this, and what is its cause? Our mind is the main target for the Devil, and overthinking is a simple way he can manipulate someone into a stronghold of bitterness. Did I mention that studies have concluded the human brain has more negative thoughts daily? If you’re hurt, your brain will always determine a negative outcome instead of a reasonable one. Notice I didn’t say a positive outcome, but going back to the social media example. There could be over 100 explanations for why there was no invite. It could be someone forgetting to send you a message subconsciously; you missed the text message sent to you, or worst case scenario, their true colors come out.
Regardless of the outcome, it’s not worth giving someone the power to affect the pattern of your mental health. Overthinking is like beating yourself up and expecting the person you’re angry at to react. Part of the process of forgiveness is changing your mindset, just like Romans 12:2 NIV. “Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.”
4.The Need For Justice.
With the first three points, we went over this specific sign is probably the most common one people feel when they get hurt. Have you ever had a sibling or anyone you rivaled in your childhood? If so, I’m sure this will be relatable; say you’re playing and one of your siblings gets frustrated and hits you right in the face? The typical reaction is you start crying and run to your parents resulting in your sibling getting disciplined. Then there’s the “say you’re sorry” statement, and everything is settled. How does that make you feel?
As a child, if you know it or not, you feel some justice when your sibling is forced to make an apology after intentionally hurting you. What happens when someone doesn’t want to apologize and shows no remorse for their actions? One obvious sign you are dealing with unforgiveness towards someone is if there is an expectation of justice from their mistakes. Most of the time, it goes way beyond wanting an apology from them. Deep down we want them to learn their lesson and identify the destruction they’ve caused. Sadly, if this expectation is not met, then taking matters into your own hands by hurting them back seems to be the only way.
Wanting vengeance back on someone for the pain they caused you sets you up for more pain and torment. In Matt 18:21-35, when Jesus gives the parable of the unforgiving debtor, there’s the analogy that sin is like collected debt owed and meant to be paid back. When the king forgives the servant his million-dollar debt due to feeling pity for him, we learn that the servant runs into a man who owed him a few thousand dollars and throws him in prison for not paying it instantly. Sound familiar? We all have some debt owed from the countless sins we commit against an almighty God, yet Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross cancels that debt. When we don’t forgive and want to determine a person’s fate to feel justice, like at the parable’s end, we put ourselves in our prison of torment.
5. Depression
There are many causes of depression that can be identified but based on many cases I have witnessed, most people who were depressed were holding unforgiveness from their past. What I am saying is you can not live in unforgiveness and feel peace at the same time. Self-reflection may be your only option if you’ve been struggling with depression. Look back and determine what your past was like and how certain events made you feel. The deception of unforgiveness is that people may not be aware or deny holding any grudges.
We can agree depression is a terrible place to be in, and sometimes one of the leading causes of depression is past traumatic events. Forgiveness is probably the best self-care act anyone can do for themselves. It is never about excusing what was done but choosing to no longer allow it to control your peace. Choosing to live in bitterness is rejecting God’s peace and living in a hopeless depression. What happened to you wasn’t right, but you deserve to live in peace and joy instead of allowing someone’s mistake to ruin your life.
6. You Hurt Others Around You!
Many may never say this, but the worst thing about unforgiveness is what turns someone into. If I had to define this substantial mental health issue clearly, it is the silent spiritual pandemic of our lifetime. I’m sure we all remember the recent impacts of covid-19 and the contagion of the whole virus. Learning about how the traits of unforgiveness work is one hurt person can hurt another. Think of it this way: The person who deeply hurt you is probably someone who was hurt before and living in that pain just like you.
A wounded soul doesn’t realize what their pain is capable of causing. Whenever someone is hurt, the typical phase is giving strong responses to other people to avoid the risk of getting hurt again. This is also known as the term “Fight or Flight.” If you’re curious to see if you’re holding unforgiveness, what do your other friendships look like? How often do you find yourself arguing with other people and suddenly cutting them off? Am I saying you are the toxic one? No, but my point is unforgiveness ruins how you interact with others. It’s the birth of narcissism, the decision to isolate, and the destroyer of intimacy. One person’s abuse, rejection, lie, or mistake doesn’t need to be the reason you hurt others.
Final Statement
This post may be a lot to take in but know that with God, anything is possible. If you’re reading this and know you’ve been holding unforgiveness for a long time, it’s time to change. It’s time to bring victory over your pain. As I mentioned before, sometimes, to help overcome our pain and walk towards forgiveness is by becoming vulnerable about it. An excellent resource for starting your journey of forgiveness is going to therapy. This is where I can suggest Faithful Counseling, our sponsor for this blog post.
Faithful Counseling is an online therapy platform that allows you to connect with a licensed professional right from the comfort of your home. You can communicate with your therapist through a live chat, schedule as many phone and video calls per week, and even change your counselor anytime you want. Therapy could be a great tool to start your healing journey towards forgiveness. Sign up using the link below, and get 10 % off your first month. Make that decision to invest in your mental health and become the person God has called you to be. Click on the link using the promo code https://faithfulcounseling.com/freeandredeemed
