“uncertainty or anxiety about oneself; lack of confidence.”
– Dictionary. Oxford Languages
We have all been through specific points where we may not have been confident about ourselves based on situations we have faced. If it’s applying for a good-paying job, asking out your crush, giving a good performance, or anything that results in us being seen or noticed. As much as we want to believe we can succeed, insecurity always gets in the way. Why do we struggle with insecurity, and how do we battle it? We can define it in many ways, but insecurity boils down to the neediness for man’s approval. We all want to find acceptance from people we surround ourselves with in our social circle but understand that insecurity is the root cause of repelling acceptance.
Insecurity is a common trait, and we can see this referenced hundreds of times in the bible. Jesus stated we were born to not believe in heavenly things for humanity but drawn to the evil this world has to offer (See John 3:11-20). People who struggle with insecurity lack identity, and a strong sense of sinful patterns can form when one lacks identity. Pride and insecurity may have different meanings, but they can go hand in hand when creating someone’s downfall. If you’re wondering if this is a struggle for you, then here are seven signs to see if you are struggling with insecurity.
1. Low Self-Esteem
What prevents someone from finding growth and reaching their highest potential is how they feel about themselves. This could range from critical areas in a person’s life to dating, career choice, starting a business, or even being used by the lord in a ministry. A person with low self-esteem has a self-destructive mindset believing one simple lie the devil brings, and it’s the term “I’m not good enough.” It’s like a nice sports car that physically looks appealing with its paint job, rims, leather seats, or a nice Bluetooth radio. However, when driven, the vehicle’s transmission is damaged, it lacks speed, constantly overheats, and needs work on the inside.
We were created with a great value by God, and how we view ourselves and how he views us will determine the depth of our insecurity. Someone who struggles with low self-esteem set themselves up for their rejection. When you have negative beliefs about yourself, it’s hard to find intimacy with someone since you’re constantly rejecting yourself. Usually, this occurs with someone who may have a rejection wound from their childhood with a parent who chose not to be close, a sense of abandonment, or may not have felt valued growing up. Suppose you struggle with low self-esteem and feel like you’re not good enough to be in a relationship or experience intimacy. Just know you’re more than how you look, and your worth is determined by the value God created you to be, not by how often you’ve been rejected.
2. Constant Need for Approval
What goes through your mind when you find out you were not invited to a social gathering, your crush suddenly acts distant, you get left on read, or you feel like you just can’t fit in. Our hardwired insecurity will respond to overthinking and lead to a tendency of neediness. We chase after what’s not chasing us, trying to show people we are worth a hangout, an invite, or a date. A tough pill to swallow is to understand that neediness is a very unattractive trait someone can carry in any form of a relationship. When you need to be validated or approved by people, it sets you up for disappointment.
In most cases, someone who is insecure and constantly seeking approval will do anything to be accepted if you have to change physical appearances about yourself, like certain things you don’t like, or change something about yourself to please someone. You are not even close to finding your true identity because you’re becoming someone you’re not to please people. The key to confidence is finding the valuable traits about you and learning how to steward those traits. Not being accepted by a group or a person doesn’t make you any less useful.
3. Taking Rejection Personally
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room, rejection sucks! It’s an event that I’m sure no human being wakes up to, hoping they experience. However, the sad reality is that we all have to face rejection at some point, and our vanity or success can not stop that. Since we can not prevent rejection from occurring, it’s not about how we can stop rejection but how we respond to it. Most insecure people have a hard time accepting rejection and need an explanation. For example, if they were in a relationship or had feelings for another individual, and the outcome resulted in rejection. The response is typically not good, leading to a mental downfall.
Again, no one likes rejection, and it could be easier said than done to move on and accept it. However, how you view rejection will determine your freedom from it. If you have an intimate relationship with Christ, you should know that true love for someone has to have some form of protection. Rejection is protection, an infamous phrase used a lot in our society, and how you learn to understand this will determine your step from insecure to confident. I’m saying that rejection is not about you; you may be wondering what it was about you that wasn’t appealing enough. The truth is, rejection is a reflection of the other person’s heart and not yours.
Have an open mind about rejection, and when you choose to learn from it instead of defining it, the stinging effect won’t be as strong. Take the time to learn from this experience and understand why God may be protecting you from that relationship. Use some common sense and ask yourself if this person would have been a good fit for you, even if you did have a relationship. It’s not that they’re a terrible person; it’s just not everyone will see the value inside you, and that’s not your fault. Going back to the car analogy, not everyone will know the value of a minivan, but a mom who has several boys needing a spaced vehicle to take them to soccer practice will find it valuable. Just know that someone one day will see the great value in you and choose to be with you for a purpose.
4. Constant Comparison
A toxic trait that affects a person’s mental health and can ruin their day or even be the primary source of their depression is one word, “Comparison.” The term comparison is normally referred to as a joy killer based on someone’s discontentment about their worth based on someone else’s joy or success. We all tend to make comparisons now and then, but there’s a big difference between living comparisons daily. It’s easy to see someone who may have something you don’t have and feel discouraged by it, but let me ask, what does this have to do with you? What is it about a confident person that makes your life not enough?
Comparing yourself to someone else feeds the hunger of insecurity that can eat up your mind and destroy the identity God has intended for you. The key word here is identity, and we must know we have an identity designed for a great purpose, but the simple tactics of comparison can delay that. Someone who lives in comparison needs a lot of reassurance based on another’s highlights or downfalls. The dangerous side of comparing yourself is it mostly leads to resentment rooted in jealousy. If you find yourself talking about a person finding out their flaws and taking pride when they fall or becoming discouraged when they accomplish something shows how far you are in insecurity. Overall, comparison is a blinding mindset for someone creating insecurity based on someone else’s highlight reel. Yet not knowing there’s a behind-the-scenes for their identity that clearly hasn’t been identified.
5. Always Offended
What makes offense an overwhelming emotional experience is the unexpected moments with people we invite into our social circle. We can’t control an insult that offends us, but releasing it and not hanging on to it is something we can control. Most people dealing with insecurity find it very easy to find offense and hang on to it, even in non-intentional settings. How do you respond when an individual doesn’t say hi or see a group staring at you, wondering if they speak negatively about you? Constantly living offended can affect how you socialize with people and your growth with intimate relationships.
Most cases of someone easily offended come from a traumatic offense that occurred in their past. Our past can impact our present and future but shouldn’t stop us from living out our purpose. Hanging on to an offense delays our purpose and prevents us from walking in confidence. If you have a hard time trusting people and coming up with reasons to feel upset or rejected, start by self-reflecting and determine what’s going through your mind. Challenge your thoughts and determine if the interactions you observe are a realistic way to be offended. We can’t stop something offensive from happening but have a choice to hang on to it. Ask yourself, are there offenses from your past that you still may be hanging on to? Have you dealt with emotional abuse, felt neglected, or been rejected by someone supposed to be there for you and failed? Make the change today to release what offended you and start your healing journey.
6. Living in Denial
Today, the structure of vulnerability is the biggest mystery in humankind that is the cause of sudden meltdowns, unexpected mood swings, constant relapses, and even shocking suicide cases. Most depressed people won’t admit they are depressed; therefore, they will live in the enemy of vulnerability, which is “denial.” People are carrying heavy chains of depression and insecurity today, and even though they’re aware of its weight, what prevents them from freedom is the lock of denial. Personally, when I have dealt with counseling emotionally unstable people, denial is a vast common trait they tend to commit.
- “I am not holding any unforgiveness; that was a long time ago.” (They will still talk about the event as if it happened yesterday)
- “I don’t care what people think of me.” (They will become overwhelmingly offended if disrespected in any way)
- “Why should I get help? It’s nobody’s business what I’m dealing with.” (Find it hard to overcome their emotional suffering.)
These are some common statements made when someone is not in a good place with their mental health and feel stuck. Why do we deny our struggles? Why is it hard to be vulnerable to what we struggle with? The answer is our pride and insecurity will prevent us from admitting our strongholds or the root cause because admitting weakness is too much to handle. That’s where vulnerability comes in; understanding how to be vulnerable goes beyond our flaws. Being vulnerable is not about admitting your weaknesses and defining yourself; it’s about confronting them and choosing to overcome them.
We are not perfect, and the issues we develop in our lifetime were meant to be broken instead of bottled up. Denial is how we run away from our feelings and allow our insecurities to worsen instead of improve. Start by learning how to become vulnerable to your issues, surrendering them to God, and taking a step into a life of freedom and confidence.
7. Isolation
The feeling of loneliness can be overwhelming and unbearable. Still, some deeply hurt and insecure people prefer to be alone and not socialize with anyone due to the risk of being hurt again. Some may say it’s healthy; however, I would put that up for debate. Isolation is an enormous disservice that anyone can do to themselves; it’s the enemy’s ultimate goal for anyone struggling with insecurity. Understanding the nature of lions and how they hunt their prey (females in groups and males individually), they always go for the lone zebra or antelope that separates itself from the group. One thing that gets satan’s attention is someone who is isolated and is not in unity with anyone since unity alone intimidates him (See 1 Peter 5:7-9).
If you are in isolation today and find yourself in a lonely spot, separating yourself is not the answer to your problems. We need fellowship and healthy relationships to help us grow and be an influence on others. Love everyone around us as we love ourselves (Mark 12:30-31). You have been rejected and not accepted by people, but your rejections do not define you; you’re represented by who God created you to be. You deserve to be happy and content with yourself and live a life with the confidence of excellent character development. Start by surrounding yourself with healthy people in your life and be open about your insecurities and how they make you feel. Sometimes, the most nourishing action we can take is learning how to receive so we can one day give. Be the testimony that will help another person overcome the insecurity that you have overcome.
Closing Statement
If you have come this far to read this post, you might be thinking that one of the points, if not all of them, applied to you. We all have insecurities, but in this post, we learned that insecurities could either be the asset of your depression or the stepping stone to your confidence. Sometimes people struggle to grow and overcome their mental health is because they don’t know how. That’s where I can highly suggest signing up for FaithfulCounseling our sponsor for this post.
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